The Crock: Tim Ballard's Latest Press Release
Sunlight and mockery are the best disinfectants, but fire is a suitable alternative
Tim Ballard, legendary party planner of boys’ weekends, alleged user of ketamine, and alleged purveyor of ecstasy to his posterity, has issued a statement through the SPEAR Fund:
(SALT LAKE CITY, UT—October 11, 2023)—The SPEAR Fund—an organization funding and defending efforts to end child-trafficking in our time—is releasing a statement on behalf of Senior Advisor Tim Ballard and his wife Katherine:
“It was 9 years ago today that 120 women and children were rescued from evil and conspiring traffickers on a remote island in Colombia, as depicted in the hit movie SOUND OF FREEDOM.
“These women and children have names and faces; they are real people. They tragically call to mind the innocent women and children who are pawns in the horrific events in Israel at the hands of the terrorist group Hamas.
“We regret that the five women who have come forward—though still without names and faces—are caught up in this difficult struggle we face together. Two of these women went on actual Operation Underground Railroad operations. One went on a single operation, and the other woman repeatedly put herself in harm’s way. Three did not go on any actual operations, as they did not make it through the training and certification process.
“We know from repeatedly speaking to this one veteran operator of her authentic concern for other operators, for Tim, and for OUR. You have assured us privately that you would bravely do it again, and aren’t sure how we could have changed things in the terror of the moment. You told us that OUR, its leadership and teams were learning as they went, but that you felt that the cause was too important and urgent.
“And it still is.
“When we started Spear Fund, Tim agreed that he is permanently retiring from undercover rescue operations, and is instead working to apply the lessons learned in the field to help other operators improve the process going forward. We start with recognition of the post trauma inflicted on all those who went in harm’s way, and know that there are years of healing needed ahead.
“But like the wars going on right now overseas, healing and caring for the wounded must be done while the battle rages on.
“Rescuing kids and exposing those behind the powerful, well-funded child trafficking cartels is an ugly and dark business and leaves unintended consequences, which we all are finding out. Who would have thought we would now be fighting amongst ourselves while these evils are rapidly escalating all around us?
“It’s evident that those who are behind these cartels have clearly woken up to the light that is being shed on their dark activities. We had no idea how much influence they had with so many powerful people and organizations in the United States.
“But we do now.
“SOUND OF FREEDOM brought Providential awareness about the global scourge of child sex slavery. We must awaken to the awfulness of what we face and move swiftly and courageously to action. It’s time for accountability and integrity, unity and forgiveness, and constructive action like never before in our lifetime.”
“Please join us, more to come.”
With warm affection—Tim and Katherine Ballard.
At the risk of adapting millennial and Generation Z jargon, I cannot. I simply cannot. I will attempt to decipher the relevant portions of this pile of steaming malodorous excrement for you, my gentle readers:
“We start with recognition of the post trauma inflicted on all those who went in harm’s way, and know that there are years of healing needed ahead.”
Translation: I am sorry I sexually assaulted you, and violated the Law of Chastity, and caused you to question everything that gives life structure, form, and meaning; namely, the faith I purported to share with you in Jesus Christ, which I clearly do not share based on how I conducted myself. I am unafraid of Heavenly Father, because He’s way, way, way up there and I’m down here, and He’ll only get around to me when I die, and my kids can go to the temple and do some ordinances, and bam! I’m back in the fold.
“Rescuing kids and exposing those behind the powerful, well-funded child trafficking cartels is an ugly and dark business and leaves unintended consequences, which we all are finding out. Who would have thought we would now be fighting amongst ourselves while these evils are rapidly escalating all around us?”
Translation: God’s children are not for sale. Say it with me, like a mantra, over and over again, until you forget that I tried to tell women to shower naked with me and engage in tantric massages, which are a form of sex magic originating in Tibetan Buddhism. Oh, and if I did take married women on jumps with me as my fake wives and cross a few lines, we shouldn’t quibble about my indiscretions, because saving the babies is what counts. We did it all for Jesus, and for His children.
Let’s not fight amongst ourselves, mmmkay? We’re all brother and sisters in Christ Jesus, even if I mocked the Atonement with my infidelity, my drug use, my alcohol consumption, my general lack of ethics, and whatever the hell I did with that $1,560 an hour I supposedly paid Janet Russon for psychic operational readings. We all know that the $1,560 an hour didn't all go to Janet, but let’s pretend it did!
“It’s evident that those who are behind these cartels have clearly woken up to the light that is being shed on their dark activities. We had no idea how much influence they had with so many powerful people and organizations in the United States.
“But we do now.”
Translation: The only reason I’m being exposed is because the cartels found out about my adultery, my drug use, my alcohol consumption, my general sleazy conduct, and possible financial improprieties involving my nonprofit, and they USED MY OWN ACTIONS AGAINST ME LIKE THE DEMONIC BASTARDS THAT THEY ARE. Seriously, who does that? Who uses your own words and deeds against you? Wives and cartels, that’s who. Not my wife, Katherine Ballard, obviously, because she’s cosigning my little press release, or at least allowing me to put her name on it.
Because I’ve been excommunicated and pilloried and subjected to at least two criminal investigations, I now realize that I’m the victim of a grand conspiracy involving the cartels, their compromised clients in the political and social elites who buy children for adrenochrome, and all the organizations they belong to that I was this close to joining before the Church and Mitt Romney kneecapped me. I coulda been a contenduh, a member of the Trilateral Commission and the Council on Foreign Relations, maybe even the Illuminati!
“SOUND OF FREEDOM brought Providential awareness about the global scourge of child sex slavery. We must awaken to the awfulness of what we face and move swiftly and courageously to action. It’s time for accountability and integrity, unity and forgiveness, and constructive action like never before in our lifetime.”
“Please join us, more to come.”
Translation: Remember, I had a hit movie that grossed almost $300 million. Forgive me and unite with me and forget all the horrible things I’ve done, some of which have yet to be revealed, BECAUSE GOD’S CHILDREN ARE NOT FOR SALE AND THE BABIES! We gotta keep the battle going, man! We can tend to the wounded, i.e. all these women I victimised and allegedly even sicced my goons on like a thug, but not at the expense of the raging battle! I need to get back to the strip club to find the babies, stat!
“These women and children have names and faces; they are real people. They tragically call to mind the innocent women and children who are pawns in the horrific events in Israel at the hands of the terrorist group Hamas.
“We regret that the five women who have come forward—though still without names and faces—are caught up in this difficult struggle we face together. Two of these women went on actual Operation Underground Railroad operations. One went on a single operation, and the other woman repeatedly put herself in harm’s way. Three did not go on any actual operations, as they did not make it through the training and certification process.
Translation: I’m actually going to go there. I’m going to reference Hamas and Israel to minimize my own culpability as an alleged sexual predator. At no point am I going to deny sexual impropriety outright like I did before, because by now you’re all quite aware that I have deep issues.
Those five women, those faceless, nameless snitches, are caught up in the difficult struggle. I’ve been excommunicated. I’ve been exposed. How am I going to raise money from donors with this sort of a reputation? I know there are suckers, but are there enough suckers to finance my super luxurious life as I train people in how to go to strip clubs, nightclubs, and bars to SAVE THE BABIES, and TOUCH THE BOOBIES SO THE TRAFFICKERS DON’T BLOW OUR COVER?!
We’re all in the same boat here. They’re sexually and mentally traumatized, and I’m facing financial ruin and a permanently stained reputation. We need to forgive and forget, move on, and fight the real enemies: the human traffickers selling God’s children.
Conclusion
Tim Ballard is scum. Tim Ballard is a scummy scumbucket full of scum the likes of which cannot be qualified or quantified. Whoever helped him write this tone deaf press release should be fired, because it would have been better to say nothing at all, or as the millennials say, “Say less, no cap.” On God, even. Stop capping, Tim, we know you did it.
This is the only time hearing my 19 year old niece and her husband explain the lingo of the younger crowd has come in handy. It took a while for me to get up and write this, because I had to manually unroll my eyes. Pray for Tim Ballard, and his delusions that clearly originate from the Adversary, because until he purges the Adversary from his life, he will continue to emit pablum like this press release and dig his hole deeper.
Allow me to help you, Tim. Here’s what you should have written.
Hello, it’s me, Tim Ballard, founder of Operation Underground Railroad, its subsidiaries and affiliates, and current SPEAR Fund founder. I did it. I did all those horrible things I’ve been accused of, and some other things that haven’t come out yet, and I was totally and completely wrong. I had my surrogates lie to others about my guilt, as opposed to manning up and admitting what I did. I deserved excommunication, and I deserve every bit of contempt and derision hurled my way for what I did. I broke the Law of Chastity, I made a mockery of the Atonement, and I defamed Heavenly Father with my actions. I am a fraud. I am a coward. I repent, and I am doing my best to turn away from my sin and make amends, and that begins with owning all of the extremely terrible things I have done. It also means returning every dime I fleeced off of donors, because they weren’t paying for me to drink alcohol and consume drugs. That was wrong. Operation Underground Railroad will be liquidating its investments and reimbursing donors, and settling up with those women I abused and violated. I’ll be selling my assets to make my victims whole as well. I probably committed a few crimes in the process, financially, and my attorneys and I will be going to the US Attorneys Office in Salt Lake to work out a plea agreement. Who am I kidding, none of this is going to happen! I’m Tim Effing Ballard!
Some of you might find this harsh, but it’s nowhere near as harsh as ruining marriages and causing faith crises, which is what Tim Ballard did. Tim Ballard’s press release is a crock, and it should be called out as such.
Well said. I found the translations to be particularly entertaining. I was offended by Tim's statement that the women are basically cowards for not showing their faces or giving names. He's a POS to the highest degree.
In addition, I spoke with the lawyer who is representing the 5 women and she indicated that there were more women who have not yet come forward but she is hoping they will. I know of one and I'm hoping she gets the courage to speak out.
Could you translate the “Say less, no cap!” meaning? Asking for a friend...LOL